I have blog friends and you don't !!

Is what Tony told me the other day. My answer was I don't need stupid blog friends !!! That whole conversation sounded so kindergarten... No surprise tho since all we do is joke around. And I wouldn't have it any other way. He's a blast to be with.


So life sucks, I am here at the moment waiting for Kaci to be born. I can honestly say that time is dragging its feet slowly. I am not used to just sitting around and doing nothing. I'm either working or going to school or chasing after 2 monkeys or with my friends. And to go from all that to doing nothing is pretty hard. So I spend my day sleeping eating and watching T.V. Cant go anywhere cause I don't have the car and I'm not about to step out the house in this heat.

I find myself getting home sick sometimes. I miss my mom, kids and some of my friends. Don't get me wrong I am really liking Austin I just hate being inside all the time. I am hoping it will be different after the baby is born and once summer is over we will be able to roam around.

what I am really looking forward to is there might be a chance that I can go back to cali to visit. What sucks about is that I would be going alone, well not totally alone of course Kaci will go with me. It's all still up in the air but I'm hoping it will work out.

I am such a lazy blogger. I barely got a few lines down and already I'm ready to quit..As I have said millions of times I'm going to try to blog more often.

I woke up this morning out of the blue wanting to do two things. One work on my my space page cause there is still lots of stuff needed to be done to it. And two blog. If you look at my other post you will know that I only blog once a month or something like that. But if I have this thing I might as well put it to use.

Another thing that was on my mind this morning was my grandparents. Both of them have past away. My grandfather and age 56 (I think) of a heart attack. He was at his house in Santa Monica with my grandmother, my mom then 11 and my aunt then 8, when he started having chest pains. By the time the paramedics got there it was to late he was gone.

and my grandmother at age 72 (again I think). To me it seems like she just stop caring. Stop taking her meds and got sick ended up in a nursing home.

On the night she died she requested food which was unusual because she had one of those feeding tubes. She wanted it out and wanted to eat. The nurse went to get her a plate came back and she had passed away.

This blog is not about how they died though, it is more about how they met and the things that I was told by my family on how they were together.

My grandmother is from San Antonio Texas She was born and raised There. A true Texan through and through. Now here is where I get mixed up and no matter how many times they explain it to me I stll forget. Either her father or mother was German Jewish and the other was Hispanic, they got together and had a bunch of lil Mexican Jewish kids my grandmother being one of them.


My grandfather is from the capital of Mexico el D.F. who settled in California. His side of the family has always seemed to be very wealthy and involved in Mexican politics. Such as Councilmen, Governors and so on. Because he passed away so early and the fact that I am the youngest in that generation of grand kids I missed out on a lot. So I really don't have much info on this side of the family. I do know 2 of his sisters and one of his brothers who was my godfather, I didn't even find this out until years later after he had passed away. But he was always my favorite uncle a very sweet man with a kind heart who looked a lot like my grandfather. And this side of the family has deep real estate roots. They all were agents. Which I find funny because I myself and strongly considering going into that field. As my aunt told me, "It's the Osio blood in you baby." But that's a whole different story.


So she's from Texas and he's from California how did they meet?? You know I'm 24 years old and never in my years here dealing with my screwed up family did I bother to ask how they met. It wasn't until very recently I asked my mom, and when she told me I was shocked. Why because the story is not exactly the same but it is very similar to my life now. Just backwards and with different people. And who introduced them shocked me even more.


Pedro Infante. He is a Hispanic actor/singer. Very popular back in the day. My grandfather was into entertainment. If I remember correctly he had his own radio show,one of my favorite all time pictures of him is a black and white photo of him doing a broadcast. That is the photo that I would look at the most and wish he was still alive so I can meet him.

Turns out my Grandfather was his manager(or something like that)and was on tour with him when they made there stop in San Antonio. I was my grandmother's Birthday and Pedro Had her come up on stage and sang happy birthday to her and had her party backstage with them.

So from there my grandparents met. Hung out as much as they could while he was in town and fell in love. When my grandfather left San Antonio he took my grandmother with him. They got married in California and had two beautiful girls ( who are now ugly witches...J/k ) my mother and my aunt.

But my grandpa had other kids from a previous marriage. He had two boys who I'm guessing were around the ages of 11 maybe 13 when they got married. It's funny cause the family photos we have of their wedding day (they didn't do the whole big wedding thing just got married by court) she is posing with my uncles and they don't look happy at all. They have that get me away from this bitch look on their faces. It cracks me up everytime I see it.

so with two teenage boys and little girls they settled in Santa Monica California. Just before I moved to Texas my mom and aunt were filling me and my cousin on how life was in that house.

all my grandpas brothers and sisters would come over after work and my grandmother would fix them something to eat. And then it was time to drink !!! The liquor store knew them all by name and would deliver to the house. Don't get me wrong they were not alcoholics with a problem they just liked to get fucked up! What cracks me up even more is on of my aunts was a nurse and she had a medicine cabinet full of pills she would arrange them neatly and have pills labeled by color and quantity and effects. When they all got together she would pass out pills. Or if someone was feeling bad or tired there she was with her pills.

So basically they were a bunch of pill popping drunks...LOL. Until he passed away.


And that's it that's the story of my grandmother and grandfather getting together. I still wonder why I woke up this morning thinking about that. But it is what was on my mind and I just wanted to get out.

Random bull crap

I saw a peacock today !!!!!! yay me.

don't u just love saying peacock!!! I do peeeeeeeaaaaacock !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I used a peacock portapotty Ewwwwwwwww!!!! Poor me

I saw the sunset on a hill in Austin and this place is a lesbian fest !!!!! There everywhere !!!!


and I have the reading rainbow song stuck in my head so I'm going to sing it !!!!


Butterfly in the ssssssssssky !!!!!!! I can go twice as highhhhh !!! Take a look its in a book reading rainbow !!!!! I can be aaaannnnyyyyyything !!!!!! Something something I forgot the words!! Reading rainbow !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



thank you very much for your time !! Now click on the lil icon that say next blog and see what weirdo u get next. But let me promise u this. There not as good as me..

Part 2 !!!!!

Dude I fuckin hate these people ... And I say this now because some of them are really fuckin nutts . This is part 2 of my post the one where I fill you in on all the weirdos I work with. And what an appropriate time to blog about the newest weirdo in the pack.



okay Tony just brought up a good point

** all names have been changed to protect myself in case one of them comes across my blog !!



**slimey slut

She has been scheduling pet scans for 5 years and she is in nursing school. Well schools out for summer and she's now back at work. Talking out of her ass and blaming everything on me and another girl who works there. Evil lil troll missing the stone on her belly. I'll blog about this one later...



**the only cool one

What can I say this girl kicks ass. We get along perfectly and so far she is the only one who has not in some way got on my nerves or driven me up the wall.


**well everyone will know who this is

my supervisor .. LOL he's cool and sometimes says things that will have u cracking up. A cool guy.


**food junkie

I have never met anyone who is so into food!! She seriously has some fat bitch moments. But don't get me wrong I love her to death. But everything is food this or god that food was good.. Or I ate this and it was soooo good. i.e.... She told me over the weekend she went to this carnival, now the first thing I think of is wow rides and games I wish I would of went. No she starts talking about the food. And here's another thing that had me dying with laughter. One of the doctors just got back from Greece ( he's so lucky !! ) and he put together this scrapbook and we were looking at it. it is full with beautiful pictures programs and so on. What's the first thing she points out . The pictures of the food.


**Ned Flanders

he's was a temp and he was running around with a Fanny pack telling everyone he was the new M.A. I kid you not he looked just like Ned Flanders and I knew there was something fishy about him from day one. He would say thing like me and my "partner" or " other half " and "life mate" that led me to believe he was gay. I am totally cool with that I have no problem with gay people. I love them to death my cousin is gay and I myself have been with a woman so who am I to judge. But things started getting freaky he would tell us his boyfriend was hung like a horse and that his ass was like a Greek god. And he gave a co worker a very raunchy business card. That was pretty much an I'm gay and willing to fuck here's my number call me type card. Something that you just should leave out of the work place. Not only that but he was fuckin lazy as hell and was always on the net or on the phone leaving me to do all the work. Thank god he's gone !!!




**Stripper girl !!!!!!

This girl claimed to have all her bills paid 3 month in advance . To own a house and have 3 very nice cars. And you claim to have all this and work as a temp? Turns out she was a real estate agent. But then we found out that she stripped at a few local clubs here in Austin. Not only that but this chick was a walking STD. After only knowing her for a day she tells me how into anal she is and a few other gross things.



** candy lady


her job is the most laid back. All this chick does is fill up candy bowls and talks to patients. Lucky her.


** brown pants girl

seriously this chick only wears brown pants. Maybe like the same 3 pairs I have yet to see her in anything else.


And then there's the doctors theres about 10 total. One of them I think is really hot he's tall cute and he has a pimp walk the only thing that kills it is his voice and the fact that I have someone already.

There's doctor motor mouth. Remember the micro machine commercials from the 80's? That guy that could speak a mile a minute? Dude this guy totally does that. He gives me a headache just hearing him ramble when he dictates. Funny thing is I caught him choke on his words once and I laughed so hard.

Another doctor sounds and sort of looks like the guy from the clear eyes commercials. The one with the slow voice who used to come out on the show Wonder years.

Then I think the other doctor is the guy from the butter commercials Country Cock. I'm going to record his voice and upload it so people can see I'm not crazy . I seriously think its him.


There's the young doctor who has massive hairy eyebrows. And another one who is the only female of the pact. And another one who is an ass and looks like a duck.

Then there's my favorite one. He is just a cute lil old thing. He wears Hawaiian shirts and cowboy boots. He's sweet and not afraid to say it like it is. He has even told us a dirty joke that had us cracking up.



And that's all I can think of at the moment. Those are the weirdos I work with. And thank god I'm done cause I have other things I would like to blog about. But this one took up a lot of my time. But these are the weird things I face everyday. I just hope none of them ever come across this.

I am a medical assistant been one for about 2 years now .. It sucks but its something that I sometimes enjoy doing and its is also a little experience to prepare me for what I plan to do in the future which is become a physician's assistant. Which again sucks because I would love to get that damn ball rolling but I have decided to wait until my children are all older so I can devote my time to studying and more importantly spend time with them.



So for now I am working as a temp ( blah!! ) at a oncology clinic here in Austin TX. Now I have worked for a general physician before this, and when they threw me in this oncology clinic I was in shock at some of the things I had seen.

for one I am used to working for 2 doctors. And here I work for 10. Thank god I am not alone. This is an extremely huge clinic. Takes up the whole 2nd floor has a place where the doctors see the patients 14 rooms total, infusion area which seats about 25- 30 patients, shot clinic, triage, a gyno side and a big waiting room, front desk and scheduling area and offices that belong to social workers and some staff. And come to find out there are 5 other clinics connected to this one spread out in different areas. Northwest Austin, Georgetown, Marble falls, Smithville, and one called NAMC which is were I am at today because someone called in sick I normally am at Central clinic, the head clinic and biggest one of them all.



2nd this job can sometimes really get to you. Some people come in looking healthy as ever and others come in looking like death. I am going to share some of the stories that I have heard and seen.


one day a new patient comes in and I was the one who assisted her that day. She was maybe in her late 30's sweet and funny as can be. She came with friends and family memeber for support.
So time goes by and I see her and her family in the scheduling area and I notice she is crying, I didn't have time to stop and talk to her but when I was at the M.A. desk I noticed a relative of hers there talking on the phone and I heard her say about how the doctor told her she only has about 6 months to a year to live because her cancer is not in one localized area but almost everywhere in her body treatment to get rid of it is not an option. The treatment she will be getting is to prolong her life. Another story that a co worker told me was about this older gentleman she was assisting that had lung cancer and had already had surgery to remove one of his lungs. He was having a hard time breathing and he reached over and told her he was tired of suffering and how she had no idea how hard it was to live his life this way.

it is truly a sad thing to see. Some of these people have dark futures ahead of them yet they remain so happy. They are the sweetest people you could meet. To see someone who weighs 70 pounds get so happy that they have gained a mere 3 pounds since they were last weighed is a joy yet so sad at the same time. or someone who lost all there hair because of chemotherapy get so happy that a few strand of hair are growing back.




okay I think this blog is getting way too long. So this is part one of my life at work. Part two is sooo much better its about the people I work with. These peole really crack me up ... Preview there's stripper girl and Ned Flanders and Rachel the crazy drug addict who got fired Monica the swinger 2 lesbians !!! And much much more.

Fuck that my uterus stays !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So far things seem to be going great. I am just going into my 7th month of pregnancy and so far I can still lay on my stomach but only for about 15 minutes. Today I went to meet the doctor who is going to deliver our baby. Well I saw another doctor but I did pass him in the hallway and I am sort of freaked out. He's pretty young and the first thing that came out of his mouth was something along the lines of " I don't give a Fuck mothafucka !" he said it in sort of a teasing singing way that cracked me up. And He was not talking to me he was joking around with is MA's and Tony didn't even hear it.



I will be having the baby C- section. And in a way I feel bad because I didn't even give Tony an option or discuss it with him. And here's why. I have had a c- section before because I had an infection and it was way to close to my due date so they decided to go along with a c- section. Now flash forward 5 years. The doctor was telling us that there is always a risk when having a baby ( no shit ) but this is pretty serious. Now I could have the baby natural but there is a chance my uterus could rupture ( OUCH !!) and then I would have to have a total hysterectomy. I want more kids well one more and I'm not going to take that chance. So I made my decision right then and there. Tomorrow will be very exciting because I go for my ultrasound and I pray to god that this kid lets us see if its a boy or a girl.

I am really looking forward to having this baby. My outlook on it has completely changed and I can't wait for it to arrive. As I have mentioned to Tony I have fallen in love with my baby. I guess it took some time to get to this point. The baby kicks like hell all the time. And I just cant wait to hold it and hear it cry. I am even looking forward to waking up in the middle of the night.

The jack in the box employees must think were poor !!!

LOL ........ I always knew Tony was cheap but I would cut him some slack thinking come on he cant be that bad .. Boy was I wrong.



a few weeks ago we were planning on going out and doing some sightseeing. I want to get to know the city I am going to be living in. Tony was suggesting all kinds of things we could do, and my answer was that I wanted to go and see the capitol. He got so excited and when I asked him why he was so excited the first thing that came out of his mouth was " because it's free."


Right up the street from where we live there is a jack in the box. We have been there a few times. We usually go at night since in the daytime neither of us our home. We always get the same cashier a young Mexican guy. So on one visit I was ordering a jumbo jack and I asked for cheese and Tony whispers to me " no get it without cheese we have cheese at the house." so no cheese it was.. So every visit its jumbo jacks with no cheese and then I ask for a cup for water.

Me being pregnant I crave almost everything so when Tony mentioned that the store where he works sells fruit cups I wanted one and I told him bring me one his answer was " there 2.99!!" 2.99 for fruit honestly Tony don't be so cheap !! But the kid came through and brought the fruit. But I'm pretty sure he bitched about silently.


now Tony mentions in his blog about how he's going to get drunk this weekend. But what he fails to mention is who's the one who's gonna buy the beer for him. Of course not him because he's tooooooooooo damn cheap so I'm going to break down and buy for him

A dream i had on 03-27-2005

i came across this in another blog that i had it was the only post so here it is ................





So I had a weird dream last night. it started out that I was coming out of a building and I see this lady with bright red hair in a hospital gown, she's dead. We never spoke a word to each other but I know what she's saying and what's supposed to happen.

She has me follow her to some place a street corner and she shows me her lying down on the floor with fire fighters helping her. I see her leave her body and walk off. So I follow her and she's freaking out as we walk down the street there are people yelling at her to get away the area is there's. she is scared of them. she's looking back and as she turns around she sees a dead dog

these people are dead there not all ugly looking or weird looking, they look normal its just some how I know there all dead .

The dog is total spirit form and is a chow this scares her and its the end of the dream. the thing i wonder is how did she end up in the hospital gown. did she die at the hospital and just left her body on the street corner? because in the beginning of the dream the building i was leaving was a hospital

I really don't know where to begin with this post. So much has happened since I blogged last. I guess I can start with my wonderful time at the airport and work my way from there.


Now of all the days for everything to go wrong. I had bought my tickets for a direct flight to Austin, I didn't want to go through all the hassle of having to switch planes with two kids it would just be too much to handle. I cant remember when my flight from LAX left that morning I think 11:30 am. I guess when traveling with bags that u need to check u have to be there and checked in at a certain time. My luck I was one minute over that time. And all because of fuckin parking !!!

So I couldn't get on my flight so we were put on stand by. Well we were at the airport since 10:30 am and we finally got on a plane around 3:40pm and with 2 kids I was dying. So the new plan was fly from L.A. to Dallas/fort worth and then from there fly to Austin. But it didn't work out that way. A part of the plane was not working because it was so cold so they had to replace it and it was going to take about an hour. Then to top it off the plane had ice on it and they had to send it to some part of the runway to get it off but there were about 30 other planes waiting also. By this time I was thinking okay how many more signs do I need that this is not a good idea.


So we got there around 12:30 am tired and cold the roads were icy. I have never seen anything like it in my whole life. Went to bed. Woke up the next morning and went to our new apartment. My kids loved it and they warmed up to Tony pretty quick. I knew they would like him. But I was extremely shocked when they would ask if he could spend the night.

So for the moment all was well. Well not really. Everyone back in cali was trying to talk me into coming back. Then all the drama started to go down. Alex ( the father of my kids) was giving me hell. Calling me all the time telling me to bring them back. That I was going to sink him into depression. Now I had to look at it from his point of view. And if that was me I would of gone crazy. So I knew where he was coming from. One night we had a conversation that maybe the kids should stay with him until I had the baby. So I told him I would think about it. So I had decided that it would be best. I mean my mom is out there all of hazel's friends and everything they have ever known. But at the same time I was dying cause there my babies and I cant live without them. So I got an extra week with them and then Alex came out here and got them.


Now talk about going insane. I miss them I never thought I could miss something so much. And to make it worse as soon as the asshole got what he wanted he back to acting like the true dick he has always been. Lately I have hardly talked to them. I have had one major breakdown since they left and many more but I'm pretty good and keeping my emotions in place. But the truth is I really don't know how much more I can handle. When I think of them I can only hear one thing that my ex sister in law told me A little girl needs her mother. And to make it worse when I did talk to Julius my son he asked me where I was and I told him I was at home he replies ur not at home home is here with me I need you mommy come home. My god those words killed me. My choice is a simple one I'm going back to cali and Tony is just going to have to come with or stay here. But either way nothing is stopping me from going back. As long as my kids are there I am going. and to put the cherry on top of this fucked up cake I have to go through all these emotions while I'm pregnant.

But on a happier note I'm pregnant !!! And I'm loving that I am here with Tony were having a good time. We heard the baby's heartbeat the other day and I couldn't of been more happier that everything is so far okay with the baby. Plus this baby is always moving and I enjoy feeling it move around. But sometimes it can get annoying. We already have the names picked out if its a girl her name is going to be kaci Rebecca but Rebecca spelled differently. The middle name is after my sister. And if its a boy its going to be Dylan milo. I'm feeling milo and I hope I spelled it right.

Now work uggghhh !!! My boss called me out of the blue one day and was like hey would u bill for me if u can access the site so I did and I could and I got a fax set up so she could fax me some bills and she's has yet to do it. I need money, plus I need something to do she's going through an audit right now so she's busy. But damn it's getting annoying and wasting my time!!!!! And to top it off she has her daughter billing and she's doing it all wrong . Every claim she's submits is being denied.

So thats it for now. Sort of catches up to where I am now. ther is more but I hate doing long posts so I will save the rest for later.

My last Cali post

Awwwww. Okay so I'm really emotional about leaving my home town. For years it has been all I have ever known but at the same time I'm very excited!!




Sofia is one of my best friends , well really my only. She is the only one that I have not had a falling out with we have been there for each other when ever we needed each other. I have been trying to spend as much time as I could with her. So today she calls me and tells me she's going to drop off a bag that I left in her car. So she pulls up to my house and I get my bag and she tells me is this it am I never going to see u again ? Aww we both wanted to cry and I told her no I will go by ur house in the morning and say goodbye. Dude !! How am I going to handle it I'm ready to cry right now !!!


and tomorrow I am going to do one of my most favorite things ever. I'm going to the beach and sit by the water and just think. I have been saying that I am going to do this all week but I haven't found the time but that is the first thing on my to do list.




Then there is saying goodbye to Lori. Lori is my ex boss but really my second mother. She has taught me so much and opened my eyes up to a whole different world. I wouldn't even be able to explain it to anyone who asks. They would think I was crazy if I went into detail. But she helped me understand things about life and myself.


and I am going to finish the night off by spending time with my family. I mean it's not like there never going to hear from me again, but its just I'm going to a strange land to be with in there eyes a stranger. LOL I find that so funny. But as I have said to them and my Dad I am a very strong person and I can handle anything that comes my way and they shouldn't worry.

Am I really freaking out

I don't know a part of me is and a part of me is not. What the hell am I talking about my move from L.A. to Austin. I am looking forward to it. And its funny cause just a few days ago I was really bummed and complaining to be bummed.

but in a way I am sad but not for me or my kids but for the father of my kids. He is used to seeing them everyday and soon very soon all that is going to change. I feel for him I try to think what it would be like if I was in his shoes. I know I would die of sadness. Short post cause IM going home I am at work right now but I'll get into this one later.


( now we all know my laters never happen so don't think I'm going to come back to this topic and if I do it will be after my move)

AUSTIN !!!!!!!

I decided to post in orange seeing as this post is about my trip to Austin. My last trip there I didn't blog about because I was just to damn lazy.


the whole point of me going to Austin is that I will be soon moving out there around the middle of February and I am not going to deny that its freaking me out but I'm hoping I will get over it but anyways okay so I get there Wednesday afternoon and Tony picks me up and poor kid keeps getting pulled over by cops so we finally made it to his house and did nothing !!!


next day went apartment hunting and found this cute place in north Austin well at least I think its north Austin I'm pretty sure it is. Its a huge change compared to L.A. everything is so out in the open people are calm and friendly and I'm not used to that. damnit I'm so gonna cry once I leave here I need to be around cruel people and smog and traffic and noise and naked men yelling in the street ( lol that will be my next blog for sure ).


I caught the bus in a strange city all by myself !!! I had no fuckin clue where I was supposed to go all I knew was I was supposed to get of on 21st and some other street and look for a mall that was blue .... fuckin Tony, first of all it didn't even look like a mall it was more like a store on a corner and second it was not blue it was aqua greenish bluish.




tony's friend James is something else. He's cool and all and he's very weird but so far he seems like someone I can get along with. So we head out to san marcos to go spend time with him cause we had nothing to do its about a 30- 40 min drive. So when we get there we have no clue what were going to do. We head to this outlet mall that has everything u name it they have it ( a huge plus about moving to TX) so were in the adidas store and anyone who knows me know I love um I love the funky jackets and shoes so I'm really digging this store and my jaw is dropping at the prices and I'm thinking hell yeah I'm going to go buck wild !!! When Tony whispers a very scared hey we got to go !!! He came rushing me and it kinda scared me and he's like that the girl James used to mess with the way he was acting it freaked me out so now I'm running from a girl I don't even know Tony saved me from dropping some serious cash in that place. But the way it all went down was priceless.


and the best part of the whole trip was THE STEELERS WINNING ON SUNDAY AND GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

other things

Emily rose .... fuck that
cherry lips .................. lmfao !!!
stupid bed .................. Too much noise
aero bed ...................... I have to buy one !!!
movies........................... Who the hell goes to see a movie and tries to buy a soda only to be told that the stand is closed.... I'm pregnant this little thing doesn't understand the meaning of closed.

I'm pregnant !!!!!

As almost everyone knows by now I am pregnant I really don't know how far along I am but my guess is a month and a half maybe 2 . I have to test 3 different guys but I'm pretty sure that Tony is the father . Not only that but I am very happy that I get to life my life long dream and finally become one of those chicks that run off the stage on the Maury show !!!




all jokes aside its something that I am very happy about somewhat of a shock but I wouldn't change it for the world.



short update but I will be blogging more but I'm thinking about using the blog on my space instead of this one

Love sucks................. But it's worth it

The post I wanted to post about was the wonderful time I had on thanksgiving but I decided to post about love because it is the one thing that is on my mind at the moment. This post is about someone who will remain nameless so for those of you that know me don't get any ideas. Just let me vent.


now there has been times in my life that I have not been honest and I regret those times more than anything. There was a time that maybe I was not in love as much as I said I was well let me correct that I was in love but I was afraid of the outcome. Afraid that everything I knew and was so comfortable with was all going to change. Deep down I knew that letting something drift away was the best thing but for some reason I couldn't let it go and that is extremely selfish.

deep down I knew that without him I wouldn't be able to go on. I would feel incomplete and the funny thing is I don't even know if he feels the same way. I mean sure he says he does but deep down I feel like I'm not hearing the whole story. I just really wish I would of been open from the start. I am very afraid of losing him. I am so madly in love that all I want to do is spend the rest of my life with him. And I find that so crazy I have never been one to lay my feelings out in the open the way I am right now and it is extremely hard on my part.

I look deeply into his eyes and I feel like I found my other half and everything that is going wrong in my life just seems to disappear. Even if I am laying next to him , kissing him or doing other things I still feel like I am not close enough. And that scares the shit out of me. pff I'm allie I should never feel this way about someone. I had that whole never let um get to you. Never let them into ur heart. And here comes this guy who is nothing like me but in so many ways we are so alike. And I feel like he's the one yet I try to talk myself out of it. But I'm done fighting it I want nothing more than to be with this person and start a family and live a happy life. But I feel like its too late.

I realize now more than ever that I am madly in love and with the way things are going if I lose it I'm going to be hurt. So hurt I don't even want to think about it right now. With everything else going so wrong in my life right now the one thing that I would love more than anything to have seems to be going down hill with everything else.

An update

life has been nothing but drama but when it comes to me that is no surprise. I have been really busy and a lot has been going on , both good and bad. So I am just going to lay iy all out.




Halloween was a lot more fun this year than it ever was. My son is four now so he can do the whole go to the door with his sister thing alone. We had a blast we only when out of a little while. My beautiful daughter was a princess and my weird son was a power ranger. They both looked so cute. My son kept going to the houses and singing "trick or treat smell my feet I'll pull down ur underwear"
We had a really good time. Plus my steelers won !!! it was something that I seriously needed because lately I have been depressed.

mother fuckin fish stick !!

I got a fish now !! His name is mother fuckin fish stick...LOL some one gave me the idea after we were talking about mother fuckin grape soda. Which now I regret the name because it only makes me think of something I am trying to forget. But he's a cool fish, he's a betta and he's a really cute blue color... And I have my turtle still lil fiddy, she's getting really big.

I took up drawing. I needed something to let out my anger,fears and frustrations and since I am not into putting my thoughts out on paper drawing seemed like a good idea. Plus I love the fact that people look at my drawings and they have no idea what they mean. They have their own idea and I enjoy the fact that they analyze them. I'm surprised. I am not that bad I mean its only been a few days since I started and every night I come home sit in a room all alone and just draw. I think with practice I can really do something good. Right now I am using oil pastels but I am all about blending so I'm going back to the art store to see what I can find.

I found an old picture of myself the other night. Maybe about 5 or 6 years ago. I remember how things were back then and how carefree I used to be . I am not even that person anymore. I miss the old allie. Not the hood rat allie... Just the old me. I am going to try my hardest to find her again. But its hard when you are so unhappy with the present. Work , home life , love life lately it all just seems to be going down all at once and its hard to handle. But I'm a strong person and can make it through.

spam blogged

what the hell that is the second time i got spammed on and its just me no one elses blog got spammed

corinthian colleges

forget about the days when its been cloudy

but dont forget hours in the sun.

forget about the times you've been defeated but dont forget the victories you have won forget about the mistakes that you cant change now but dont forget the lessons you have learned forget about the misfortunes you have encountered but dont forget the times your luck has turned. forget about the days when you have been lonely but dont forget the friendly smiles you have seen. forget about plans that didnt seem to work out right but dont forget to always have a dream.

FUCK BRYMAN !!!!

why dont you assholes forget about the money i owe you !!!

stupid ass school ... what a rip off

tony's cali trip

Now I know I said I was going to blog about this weeks ago but I have been busy, and now I finally have a chance to do it so here it is..


1 Tony you were bitching about how Venice beach sucked ass and that 6th street was way better.. Nothing compares to Venice beach 6th street sucks ass we've got the weirdos, sunny skies and the beach and hobo's too.

2nd remember when we where walking back to the car and I told you would u ever want to live in one of these lofts ... I remember you said fuck no I would never wanna live here it sucks I need my space!! And now in ur blog u said oh I loved it !!


3rd when we were on the freeway you were quiet as hell kinda freaked me out .


and that is all I have to bitch about for now

And the word of the night was Conyo !!!!!

I have no clue what conyo means but the more tequila we drank the more we were toasting to conyo ...LOL

what the hell is allie babbling about now? Here let me tell you

yesterday was my cousin's daughter's 1st birthday. Which in a way is bitter sweet because a few years prior to Aalyiah being born my cousin Lisa had a baby named esteban who passed away at 8 months old. And when we found out that Lisa was pregnant again we were all very worried that history would repeat its self and there would be problems with this pregnancy. Well the only problem was she gave birth at 7 months but unlike esteban Aalyiah was as healthy as ever. Out of all of us Lisa always wanted a baby and when esteban passed it was extremely hard for us all ( I at the time was not keeping in contact with my family and I didn't find out until 2 months after ) .

anyways let me get to the happy parts . So big bash aalyiah's 1st birthday and for once we were altogether not one of us was missing no one was in jail or working. I was too lazy to walk so I called my aunt and told her to pick me up about a few mins later my cousin come pulling up in my aunts brand new Mercedes and I was pissed !! We all got a lecture on how none of us is ever going to get behind the wheel and drive it blah blah blah .... And not even a week later he's picking me up in it. His answer to me sorry guys I've always been her favorite...pff whatever

so the moment I get there pass out my hugs and kisses my and hands me the bottle of tequila and says ready for one margarita or 2? My answer to her was pff I'm ready for 3 I thought u knew !! And so it begins drinking the night away and having a good time.

then I make my way to the bathroom happily buzzed and as I'm waiting in line I see these two chicks . There talking and ima social person especially when I'm buzzed so I just join right in on the convo there talking about how fine my cousin Danny is and they wonder if he has a chick and I'm laughing cause he's gay , but I wasn't about to burst their bubble. This chick was really drunk tho cause all she kept jabbering about was that she could feel her tacos coming back up and that killed me I was laughing so hard at that point .

we all had a real good time and if I'm going to miss anything about L.A. it is my family and some of my friends. Well my friends not really they suck ..LOL

Who knew exotic functions could be so fun !!!!

okay so I know I haven't posted in what seems like ages I try to keep up as much as I can ( that is such bs....... LOL ) but a lot has been going on lately so I'm just gonna blog about as much of it as I can until I get sick of it and give up.

my co worker and I have gotten real close. At first I thought she was out to get me fired, and somewhere on here I remember bitching about her. But things have been great between us. Also I found out that her daughter had heart surgery when she was 11 and is now due to have it again. The doctor told her that once her daughter turned 20 she's might need another surgery because she would need the valves of an adult instead of a child. Lately she has been having trouble and to top it off they have no insurance, so she's been stressed out and fighting with her boyfriend.. Crazy times for her and I pray that everything goes good for her and her family. So lately we have been sticking together and having long talks and I've been staying with her @ the office and having lunch with her and I can see that someone is not to happy about that.......... Evil Jamaican lady!!! I guess we need each other to lean on since were both working for crazy assholes.

and speaking of crazy assholes the doctor I work for Dr Pyne his mother passed away so he went to Jamaica for 2 weeks. Now he's not really bad but I hear he can be a real pain in the ass.

Mrs. Henney's mother passed away also this week, she was 97 It seems like everyone in that office is having hard time except me and the p.a.

so that's life @ work.

Now life away from work is sweet, well it was but that's another story.

Thursday that just past was fun I had someone special with me that evening. So I decided to take my special friend to a few of my favorite places. And the highlight of the evening was my lesson in exotic functions (who knew that such a geeky thing would make me melt ...LOL ).

Friday:

I never want to hear another county song for a while!! Poor allie .... Driving down a street in her own neighborhood and she feels like she's in another world all because her special guest wants to sing country songs just to drive her crazy. I was like WTF? You better put some Tupac in the CD player ( yes we cali people cant let it go !! )

and my special guest's friend .......Good lord that one was a trip. I am trying to show them as much as I can before they leave and while driving down Fairfax I notice this kid getting happier and happier by the second and that really made me laugh.

So all in all it was fun, the eagle has landed. I was talked out of emptying the nest and I still hold rank whether my legs are up in the air or down ....LOL actually the guest proved rank on that last comment