Love sucks................. But it's worth it

The post I wanted to post about was the wonderful time I had on thanksgiving but I decided to post about love because it is the one thing that is on my mind at the moment. This post is about someone who will remain nameless so for those of you that know me don't get any ideas. Just let me vent.


now there has been times in my life that I have not been honest and I regret those times more than anything. There was a time that maybe I was not in love as much as I said I was well let me correct that I was in love but I was afraid of the outcome. Afraid that everything I knew and was so comfortable with was all going to change. Deep down I knew that letting something drift away was the best thing but for some reason I couldn't let it go and that is extremely selfish.

deep down I knew that without him I wouldn't be able to go on. I would feel incomplete and the funny thing is I don't even know if he feels the same way. I mean sure he says he does but deep down I feel like I'm not hearing the whole story. I just really wish I would of been open from the start. I am very afraid of losing him. I am so madly in love that all I want to do is spend the rest of my life with him. And I find that so crazy I have never been one to lay my feelings out in the open the way I am right now and it is extremely hard on my part.

I look deeply into his eyes and I feel like I found my other half and everything that is going wrong in my life just seems to disappear. Even if I am laying next to him , kissing him or doing other things I still feel like I am not close enough. And that scares the shit out of me. pff I'm allie I should never feel this way about someone. I had that whole never let um get to you. Never let them into ur heart. And here comes this guy who is nothing like me but in so many ways we are so alike. And I feel like he's the one yet I try to talk myself out of it. But I'm done fighting it I want nothing more than to be with this person and start a family and live a happy life. But I feel like its too late.

I realize now more than ever that I am madly in love and with the way things are going if I lose it I'm going to be hurt. So hurt I don't even want to think about it right now. With everything else going so wrong in my life right now the one thing that I would love more than anything to have seems to be going down hill with everything else.

An update

life has been nothing but drama but when it comes to me that is no surprise. I have been really busy and a lot has been going on , both good and bad. So I am just going to lay iy all out.




Halloween was a lot more fun this year than it ever was. My son is four now so he can do the whole go to the door with his sister thing alone. We had a blast we only when out of a little while. My beautiful daughter was a princess and my weird son was a power ranger. They both looked so cute. My son kept going to the houses and singing "trick or treat smell my feet I'll pull down ur underwear"
We had a really good time. Plus my steelers won !!! it was something that I seriously needed because lately I have been depressed.

mother fuckin fish stick !!

I got a fish now !! His name is mother fuckin fish stick...LOL some one gave me the idea after we were talking about mother fuckin grape soda. Which now I regret the name because it only makes me think of something I am trying to forget. But he's a cool fish, he's a betta and he's a really cute blue color... And I have my turtle still lil fiddy, she's getting really big.

I took up drawing. I needed something to let out my anger,fears and frustrations and since I am not into putting my thoughts out on paper drawing seemed like a good idea. Plus I love the fact that people look at my drawings and they have no idea what they mean. They have their own idea and I enjoy the fact that they analyze them. I'm surprised. I am not that bad I mean its only been a few days since I started and every night I come home sit in a room all alone and just draw. I think with practice I can really do something good. Right now I am using oil pastels but I am all about blending so I'm going back to the art store to see what I can find.

I found an old picture of myself the other night. Maybe about 5 or 6 years ago. I remember how things were back then and how carefree I used to be . I am not even that person anymore. I miss the old allie. Not the hood rat allie... Just the old me. I am going to try my hardest to find her again. But its hard when you are so unhappy with the present. Work , home life , love life lately it all just seems to be going down all at once and its hard to handle. But I'm a strong person and can make it through.

spam blogged

what the hell that is the second time i got spammed on and its just me no one elses blog got spammed

corinthian colleges

forget about the days when its been cloudy

but dont forget hours in the sun.

forget about the times you've been defeated but dont forget the victories you have won forget about the mistakes that you cant change now but dont forget the lessons you have learned forget about the misfortunes you have encountered but dont forget the times your luck has turned. forget about the days when you have been lonely but dont forget the friendly smiles you have seen. forget about plans that didnt seem to work out right but dont forget to always have a dream.

FUCK BRYMAN !!!!

why dont you assholes forget about the money i owe you !!!

stupid ass school ... what a rip off

tony's cali trip

Now I know I said I was going to blog about this weeks ago but I have been busy, and now I finally have a chance to do it so here it is..


1 Tony you were bitching about how Venice beach sucked ass and that 6th street was way better.. Nothing compares to Venice beach 6th street sucks ass we've got the weirdos, sunny skies and the beach and hobo's too.

2nd remember when we where walking back to the car and I told you would u ever want to live in one of these lofts ... I remember you said fuck no I would never wanna live here it sucks I need my space!! And now in ur blog u said oh I loved it !!


3rd when we were on the freeway you were quiet as hell kinda freaked me out .


and that is all I have to bitch about for now

And the word of the night was Conyo !!!!!

I have no clue what conyo means but the more tequila we drank the more we were toasting to conyo ...LOL

what the hell is allie babbling about now? Here let me tell you

yesterday was my cousin's daughter's 1st birthday. Which in a way is bitter sweet because a few years prior to Aalyiah being born my cousin Lisa had a baby named esteban who passed away at 8 months old. And when we found out that Lisa was pregnant again we were all very worried that history would repeat its self and there would be problems with this pregnancy. Well the only problem was she gave birth at 7 months but unlike esteban Aalyiah was as healthy as ever. Out of all of us Lisa always wanted a baby and when esteban passed it was extremely hard for us all ( I at the time was not keeping in contact with my family and I didn't find out until 2 months after ) .

anyways let me get to the happy parts . So big bash aalyiah's 1st birthday and for once we were altogether not one of us was missing no one was in jail or working. I was too lazy to walk so I called my aunt and told her to pick me up about a few mins later my cousin come pulling up in my aunts brand new Mercedes and I was pissed !! We all got a lecture on how none of us is ever going to get behind the wheel and drive it blah blah blah .... And not even a week later he's picking me up in it. His answer to me sorry guys I've always been her favorite...pff whatever

so the moment I get there pass out my hugs and kisses my and hands me the bottle of tequila and says ready for one margarita or 2? My answer to her was pff I'm ready for 3 I thought u knew !! And so it begins drinking the night away and having a good time.

then I make my way to the bathroom happily buzzed and as I'm waiting in line I see these two chicks . There talking and ima social person especially when I'm buzzed so I just join right in on the convo there talking about how fine my cousin Danny is and they wonder if he has a chick and I'm laughing cause he's gay , but I wasn't about to burst their bubble. This chick was really drunk tho cause all she kept jabbering about was that she could feel her tacos coming back up and that killed me I was laughing so hard at that point .

we all had a real good time and if I'm going to miss anything about L.A. it is my family and some of my friends. Well my friends not really they suck ..LOL

Who knew exotic functions could be so fun !!!!

okay so I know I haven't posted in what seems like ages I try to keep up as much as I can ( that is such bs....... LOL ) but a lot has been going on lately so I'm just gonna blog about as much of it as I can until I get sick of it and give up.

my co worker and I have gotten real close. At first I thought she was out to get me fired, and somewhere on here I remember bitching about her. But things have been great between us. Also I found out that her daughter had heart surgery when she was 11 and is now due to have it again. The doctor told her that once her daughter turned 20 she's might need another surgery because she would need the valves of an adult instead of a child. Lately she has been having trouble and to top it off they have no insurance, so she's been stressed out and fighting with her boyfriend.. Crazy times for her and I pray that everything goes good for her and her family. So lately we have been sticking together and having long talks and I've been staying with her @ the office and having lunch with her and I can see that someone is not to happy about that.......... Evil Jamaican lady!!! I guess we need each other to lean on since were both working for crazy assholes.

and speaking of crazy assholes the doctor I work for Dr Pyne his mother passed away so he went to Jamaica for 2 weeks. Now he's not really bad but I hear he can be a real pain in the ass.

Mrs. Henney's mother passed away also this week, she was 97 It seems like everyone in that office is having hard time except me and the p.a.

so that's life @ work.

Now life away from work is sweet, well it was but that's another story.

Thursday that just past was fun I had someone special with me that evening. So I decided to take my special friend to a few of my favorite places. And the highlight of the evening was my lesson in exotic functions (who knew that such a geeky thing would make me melt ...LOL ).

Friday:

I never want to hear another county song for a while!! Poor allie .... Driving down a street in her own neighborhood and she feels like she's in another world all because her special guest wants to sing country songs just to drive her crazy. I was like WTF? You better put some Tupac in the CD player ( yes we cali people cant let it go !! )

and my special guest's friend .......Good lord that one was a trip. I am trying to show them as much as I can before they leave and while driving down Fairfax I notice this kid getting happier and happier by the second and that really made me laugh.

So all in all it was fun, the eagle has landed. I was talked out of emptying the nest and I still hold rank whether my legs are up in the air or down ....LOL actually the guest proved rank on that last comment

just when I thought things couldn't get anymore wild then what they already are around here I get this sprung on me. But let me give u the background to this story to catch you up on the present.

last year my cousin told me that he got his girlfriend pregnant and that he was gone stay in a hotel with her till they got on their feet and found a place to stay. And of course me being me I told him he was crazy and to come stay with me. And they did . And found a place just before she had the baby.

well today I get news that their building is being sold and they have no place to go so I tell them they can come here. But then I fond out that its tonight there gonna start staying here and who knows for how long.

Some movies always make u wonder

last night I was watching Constantine and it kinda sucked but there was this one part that freaked me out and I yelped like an old lady and I said oh god no... And then when I caught myself I couldn't stop laughing... I crap myself up ( yes I said crap )!! Anyhow I got to thinking . What if something like that is going on in the world.. pff come allie it is going on. In Mexico and some of those third world countries shit like that happens on a daily basis. And its creepy.

then you get to thinking about is there a heaven and hell ? And if so which one will u end up in? When u think about the sins you have committed does it worry you? But is there such a thing as life after death? I know for sure there is that is my opinion so don't knock it as I will never knock yours. But you have to wonder what is heaven like. I remember reading this book by a lady who's name I can remember at the moment ( LOL no surprise there!!) but she describes her near death experience as very safe and warm she was greeted by her dog. And another thing I don't understand is how some people can say that once we die that's it and that there is no after life at all. When the signs are in front of us all, we are just so blinded by our struggles in life. Little things, material things that really don't mean a thing, but in reality do cause with out them we would be nothing or have nothing.

I was once told by some one who considers himself as a hardcore Christian that heaven is only ment for saints and angels and that when we pass we will just lie in our graves until Jesus rises the dead and that animals have no soul. I even got into a huge fight with him over it and there was no winning so I just gave up. I went to church with him once it was held in a hotel and the whole time I was there I got this creepy cult vibe..LOL and I kept thinking just get me out of here.

here's a conversation I just had with a friend she's really into god so I figured I'd ask her opinion:

all_my_kisses_17: missy

redneck_princess1212: allie

all_my_kisses_17: do believe that animals have an after life ?

all_my_kisses_17: do u believe in after life ?

redneck_princess1212: yes and yes absolutely

all_my_kisses_17: i ask u this cause im blogging

all_my_kisses_17: and i know u would answer me

all_my_kisses_17: well what do u believe

redneck_princess1212: i believe if you accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior then you live forever after

redneck_princess1212: i believ if you dont you live on in hell

redneck_princess1212: period

all_my_kisses_17: but someone tld me that everyone is not let into heaven only saints all_my_kisses_17: and angels

all_my_kisses_17: the rest of us are just no more

redneck_princess1212: nope

redneck_princess1212: the bible says if you believ in God and accept Jesus and believe that he died for you and ask for forgiveness for your sins you will live with him forever all_my_kisses_17: its all so confusing everyone has their beliefs and u wonder which one is right

all_my_kisses_17: thats what i believe

redneck_princess1212: thats what faith is

all_my_kisses_17: okay

Damn u constantine !!!!

just random crap that pops into my head

i lost my blue pen ...

will i ever hear from wallace again?

do i really need a new purse??

will the drama ever end ?

will i ever hear from anthony again? i grew attached to that homo

work sucks... today mrs henney said shes gonna start doing all the billing from the office now that its me and her.. fuck that she better up my pay.

love life...ppff lets not even get into that one.


i wanna learn how to play the piano . so i can rock out like that guy from charlie brown what was his name ?

why am i so forgetful ?

i should call my dad i havent talked to him in ages

fuckin tony always bothers when im blogging

i need to call mayra

im might go out this weekend not sure yet tho

okay im tired and damn tony keeps msging me !!

Healing can be hard

Tonight's post is going to be all about my grandmother which well eventually turn into a post about my mother that I will get into detail about but not so much, but enough to vent and get out of my system.

My grandmother has been on my mind a lot lately. In everything that is going on in my life I ask myself one question. Would she approve of the direction I am going in? My grandmother has been dead for 5 years and even though it has been a while I still miss her.

I remember when I was younger my mom would tell me ur going to gran's house for the weekend. Oh my god how I hated hearing those words. I would beg my mom not to send me. My granny used to live in a senior citizen's home in Anaheim Ca like 7 mins from the happiest place on earth also known as Disneyland. She lived on the 10th floor and from her balcony u could see Disneyland. and im extremely lazy and dont want to finish this post cause i started it day before yesterday and im out of that mood so i'll end it now

P.S.

the girl is also worried about having a nose twitching breakdown and going crazy and running down a major street butt naked ..lol but she rrreeeeaaalllllyyyy hopes that dosent happen to many people know that ass !!!! god im so weird !! and also are there any people out there that still just let u vent without the convo turning into them ? plus i want ice cream. and a hott bath. and a fuckin stress free life!! oh u know what would be awesome if i had a fairy godmother then i could aske for anything i want. what would u ask for if u had a fairy godmother ? thats a good one. i'd ask for a new job. to live a sweet life with the one i am just crazy about. and good sex for the rest of my life. cause in allies book good sex is a must . and healty kids , beautiful healhty kids. and a nanny. AND AS IF LIFE COULD NOT JUST GET WORSE MY FUCKIN KITCHEN CATCHES ON FIRE !!!! 1ST THE BUTTER NOW THIS.. THANKS ALOT FAIRY GODMOTHER!!!!!!!!!!

there once was a girl ......

there once was a girl who was so tired of her life she felt like ending it. she felt like as the days go by her world is just crumbling down to nothing. this poor girl feels like shes stuck at the bottom of a dark cold damp well screaming for help and no one is even bothering to look. and that one person who reaches out there hand to help she cant reach cause her demons are pulling her away.

there once as a girl who was so depressed about every single thing in her life she was afraid to see what the next day held for her. so afraid that if one more thing went wrong it would allow her to swallow one more pill or cut a little deeper.

shes so suprised at the fact she can smile to everyone and tell them shes fine but deep down shes dying or is already dead. how she dreams every night of her mother and waking up the next day hoping that mom would call and comfort her like she did when she was younger. only to wake up and let days go by without nothing.

this poor girl needs help.. the only one who can help her is herself but how can she help herself when shes ready to give up and die.

Sometimes things just bite u in the ass !!

Life is but a bowl of cherries people. Or was Forrest right when he said life is like a box of chocolates... U never know what ur gonna get. Shit sucks for allie, and she just cant wait till it all gets better. I saw something that hurt me today. And my reaction was very suprising. And as much as it hurt im still gonna be happy damnit and clap my hands * clap clap *..lol ah im such a nut. That's whats so kick ass about me but at the same time my weakness. the way i can just " oh well" shrug things off but deep down I know it kills me. I really need to learn how to express my feelings better. But oh well that's allie's life for now I guess .

on a different note work.. Good lord I wanna choke that Jamaican!! So I get there and tell Maria that I want to leave early cause its my sons b day. And she's jumps in and says I wanna leave early too. So as soon as Mrs. henney gets there she's hits her up and says she wants to leave early ..blah blah blah so Mrs. henney says yes. And I was thinkin damn now I have to stay. So I wait like 5 mins and then I ask her and she says yes, but then she gives me hell "what did I tell u about leaving early ? You have to let me know before hand like weeks before " being a total its okay for Maria to leave but not allie ? And then time goes by were talking hours and then I hear that bitch say oh allie just found out it was her sons birthday. Like Michael Jackson she wanna be startin somethin ! So I fuckin had it. Went into her office and said u got a problem ? ..LOL she was like no and I said look I thought out the kindness of ur heart u would understand and let me leave a lil early. I could of requested the day off but I choose not to. But if its a problem I will stay.
and that was that. fuck everyone. The day is approaching and I just cant wait .... Its gonna be so sweet for me. What is the day what day am I talking about. The day I say fuck every last single person that's involved in my life.. LOL and I mean everyone. But not u..LOL well yes u and u know who u are but the others no...LOL

I love my blue pen

This is truly sad but at the same time I am proud cause I am very forgetful and I lose everything but for the past 2 months I have held on to this blue pen. And its not just any old blue pen its like a really pretty navy blue.. kinda I don't know how to describe it but its nice. But this is the kicker about it its say in white pretty writing Didi Hirsch CMHC and has the number. Its a Community Mental health Clinic . Leave it me to have it and hold it for that long and when ever anyone sees it or uses it there like aww that a cool pen and when they see that damn didi name they look at me funny and are like ohhh what are u doing with this. I got it from some chick passing them out.

lmao work just gets better and better !!!!

so this morning was fuckin so funny it just gets better and better LOL well no I'm lying its not getting better and better but this shit was tooo funny. Okay so I had only an hour into my day and Mrs henney arrives and I am on the phone with another dr's office trying to schedule an appointment for a patient when some old Jamaican couple comes in. No I guess to make money on the side or as she claims just being nice and helping people from her hood ( Jamaica) she helps them with there immrgration issues.

so in comes the little couple and I guess he mailed off his passport to immrgration office so he needs a new one. Well his wife was a trip she was walking around with a bible and as soon as she comes in she starts trippin on Mrs. henney. And so Mrs. henny puts her on check a lil bit but im not really there cause I'm on fuckin hold for what seems like forever.

so they all walk out of her office and she gets on the phone near the reception window and she's speaking to someone on the phone. And then I hear the lady jump up and say that's a lie. She scared the hell out of me and this lady is getting all up in henney's face telling her shies a liar and so henney is all up in hers and tells her lady please sit down and shut the fuck up but the other lady keeps going on and Mrs henny yells at the top of her lungs just shut the fuck up woman !!

shut ur stupid ass up and shies yelling it over and over again and im cracking up and finally Mrs. henny is like get the fuck out my building. So she goes the y settle what ever it was that needed to be settled.

so later on that day a patient calls in to make an appointment. Now he sounded a lil fruity but I didn't pay any mind. So I get his name and its Michael. So I do what needs to be done. And I hang up, Maria asks me who was that and I said some dude named Michael and she tells me no its Karina and IM like no Michael thinkin maybe shes thinkin of his sister and she said no its Michael but he goes by Karina and she goes on to tell me that hes a she aka transvestite and im thinkin yay!! and she tells me about how he as gone in there with skirts and pink wigs. So I'm really looking forward to seeing this one tomorrow.

Another weird Sunday

This Sunday that just passed was pretty active for me. In the afternoon there was a festival on a major street here in LAO that they through every year for the people in my area. So I decided to take the kids. We had lots of fun the highlight of the day was seeing Julius jump in the jumper it was funny because he's so little compared to the other kids. At one point he was jumping and having a good time and a bigger kid came and was jumpin next to him and he flew so high in the air ...LOL I was cracking up.

I got my card read for a local physic named Helena ( I love that name ) . Now call me a sucker but I am totally inot the whole physic and paranormal thing I cant get enough of it. So she asks me to think of 3 things that have been troulbing me, and I do now she has me pick 3 cards. She tells me that my aura a dull grey and that's very bad. And its true I have been feeling down lately so she gives me this body wash to use that she made with all her junk I guess. Also there is a lot of negativity around me and that 2 people are bringing me down and that she can look into her big ass candle and tell me their names and all there info.. LOL I cant wait for that I told her that I will go in next week to find this out. I know who one is but the other I have no fuckin clue. Also she says she connects with spirits of people who have passed on. And I really want to see who comes through. I am just curious.

Sunday evening was our annual get together at the rainbow on sunset strip right next to the rosy. For one of my most beautiful and lovely friend gabby. We had fun but me and Sofia got there kinda early (10:00pm) and so we only stayed for a while and the took off. And we hit the usual spot the tattle tale.... LOL several vodka tonic's, jack n cokes and even a Cisco we headed to jack n the box . And I have to stop waiting so long to blog about these stores cause then I forget everything. Oh well tho

Damned all to hell !!

so on Friday just a few minutes shy of finally getting away from the jamaicans the phone rings and I hear Maria ( the chick who works there and sometimes annoys the hell out of me ) say oh no are u serious !! And I am thinking okay family emergency? LOL guess again allie. As if my life were not as fucked up as is at the moment, there was a mix up with to lab cultures. Now for those of u who don't know what a culture is , it's when the doctors swabs u throat or a opened wound. Well because I was in such a hurry to go I guess somehow these to patients cultures got mixed up and created all this drama and took about a week to get it all back and it was a pin in the ass . Work is a pain in the ass this lady has issues.. LOL evil ppl and this is the end of the work blog.

simple kind life

For a long time I was in love

Not only in love I was obsessed

With a friendship that no one else could touch

It didn’t work out, I’m covered in shells

And all I wanted was the simple things

A simple kind of life

And all I needed was a simple man

So I could be a wife

I’m so ashamed, I’ve been so mean

I don’t know how it got to this point

I always was the one with all the love

You came along, I’m hunting you down

Like a sick domestic abuser looking for a fight

And all I wanted was the simple thingsA simple kind of life

If we met tomorrow for the very first time

Would it start all over again?Would I try to make you mine?

I always thought I’d be a mom Sometimes I wish for a mistake

The longer that I wait the more selfish that I get

You seem like you’d be a good dad

Now all those simple things are simply too complicated for my life

How’d I get so faithful to my freedom? A selfish kind of life

When all I ever wanted was the simple things A simple kind of life

Quick update

I haven't blogged in a while. Funny thing is I just updated on Thursday night and was completely done and was just about to hit the publish button when the chick that sits next to me hits the computer switch that controls hers and mine off. It was a long blog too. One bout all the drama and everything new going on with me. And I am just to lazy to do it all over again. So I'm just going to blog about the way I am feeling.


considering everything that has been happening these past 2 or 3 weeks I have every right to feel the way I am feeling. It just seems that everything gets worse. Like there's never going to be a silver lining to my cloud. I am truly depressed. And I hate feeling this way. Although my biggest stress of my life was lifted off my shoulders it is still very much there. Just maybe 2 pounds lighter but from that 50 extra pounds are now on my shoulders ...LOL leave it to me to come up with some stupid shit that makes no sense. I was here in the house today 1st day off in what seems like forever and I was thinking about everything and I wonder is everything really worth it ? eaning is my life really worth anything ? So here I am looking at it from every angle thing of thing I have done in the past & present and wondering what the future holds and thinking about how things have become pretty routine for me. Something that I hate. I don't know what it is but I am in such a down mood very unhappy and gloomy.

I noticed that lately I have been very worried about my health too. Maybe it has to do with seeing and hearing people with their health issues that has me so worried about mine. I really don't know. I guess IM not to sure about anything anymore. I just have to wait and see how things go and what direction I want to go in and how to get there. LOL if there was a way u could take a brak from ur self I would jump on it. I just hate being in these kind of moods and I hope to get out of it before it gets worse. But I'm no jackass well I take that back I am a jackass but I am not a stupid one. I would never hurt myself.