Love sucks................. But it's worth it

The post I wanted to post about was the wonderful time I had on thanksgiving but I decided to post about love because it is the one thing that is on my mind at the moment. This post is about someone who will remain nameless so for those of you that know me don't get any ideas. Just let me vent.


now there has been times in my life that I have not been honest and I regret those times more than anything. There was a time that maybe I was not in love as much as I said I was well let me correct that I was in love but I was afraid of the outcome. Afraid that everything I knew and was so comfortable with was all going to change. Deep down I knew that letting something drift away was the best thing but for some reason I couldn't let it go and that is extremely selfish.

deep down I knew that without him I wouldn't be able to go on. I would feel incomplete and the funny thing is I don't even know if he feels the same way. I mean sure he says he does but deep down I feel like I'm not hearing the whole story. I just really wish I would of been open from the start. I am very afraid of losing him. I am so madly in love that all I want to do is spend the rest of my life with him. And I find that so crazy I have never been one to lay my feelings out in the open the way I am right now and it is extremely hard on my part.

I look deeply into his eyes and I feel like I found my other half and everything that is going wrong in my life just seems to disappear. Even if I am laying next to him , kissing him or doing other things I still feel like I am not close enough. And that scares the shit out of me. pff I'm allie I should never feel this way about someone. I had that whole never let um get to you. Never let them into ur heart. And here comes this guy who is nothing like me but in so many ways we are so alike. And I feel like he's the one yet I try to talk myself out of it. But I'm done fighting it I want nothing more than to be with this person and start a family and live a happy life. But I feel like its too late.

I realize now more than ever that I am madly in love and with the way things are going if I lose it I'm going to be hurt. So hurt I don't even want to think about it right now. With everything else going so wrong in my life right now the one thing that I would love more than anything to have seems to be going down hill with everything else.

An update

life has been nothing but drama but when it comes to me that is no surprise. I have been really busy and a lot has been going on , both good and bad. So I am just going to lay iy all out.




Halloween was a lot more fun this year than it ever was. My son is four now so he can do the whole go to the door with his sister thing alone. We had a blast we only when out of a little while. My beautiful daughter was a princess and my weird son was a power ranger. They both looked so cute. My son kept going to the houses and singing "trick or treat smell my feet I'll pull down ur underwear"
We had a really good time. Plus my steelers won !!! it was something that I seriously needed because lately I have been depressed.

mother fuckin fish stick !!

I got a fish now !! His name is mother fuckin fish stick...LOL some one gave me the idea after we were talking about mother fuckin grape soda. Which now I regret the name because it only makes me think of something I am trying to forget. But he's a cool fish, he's a betta and he's a really cute blue color... And I have my turtle still lil fiddy, she's getting really big.

I took up drawing. I needed something to let out my anger,fears and frustrations and since I am not into putting my thoughts out on paper drawing seemed like a good idea. Plus I love the fact that people look at my drawings and they have no idea what they mean. They have their own idea and I enjoy the fact that they analyze them. I'm surprised. I am not that bad I mean its only been a few days since I started and every night I come home sit in a room all alone and just draw. I think with practice I can really do something good. Right now I am using oil pastels but I am all about blending so I'm going back to the art store to see what I can find.

I found an old picture of myself the other night. Maybe about 5 or 6 years ago. I remember how things were back then and how carefree I used to be . I am not even that person anymore. I miss the old allie. Not the hood rat allie... Just the old me. I am going to try my hardest to find her again. But its hard when you are so unhappy with the present. Work , home life , love life lately it all just seems to be going down all at once and its hard to handle. But I'm a strong person and can make it through.